Complain and Complain

The other week, somebody told me about this thing they used to have in the old days of baseball where they'd drive the reliever out to the mound in a "bullpen car". Weird, I thought, that there was this donut hole in the history of baseball; for fifty years they would run like normal people, then for a short period they needed to be chauffeured to the mound. Did they relax on such a car or was it for speed’s sake? Were there drinks, free or affordable? Oh hell, what isn’t affordable on a relief pitcher’s salary these days? How fast could it go and were there ever any accidents? Is this why there are no more bullpen cars, because some pitcher had a few mixed drinks on the way to the infield, just before a big inning, "Listen, everyone does it," he reasoned, and then he ran over the shortstop or the second basemen, or even more disastrous for him, for the team, for the hometown, he hit the second base-runner, blind-sided him and sent his double-hitting ass flying into the bleachers like so much rag-doll.

I thought I'd like to see these contraptions (in my mind's eye, they are orbous little things, like those Disney aerodynamic pod-cars from the 1950's futurism exhibits, painted light cream with three wheels, two on a back axle and one in the front) so I popped my little words into the search engine and, smiling like a dope, I pressed search.

I must say, in my own defense, that I was unaware of the content that would arrive. I am still unaware, actually, because you thankfully stopped me with your "SmartFilter". Smart obviously not being the English word, connoting intelligence or accuracy, but maybe an acronym, "Searching? Move Along, Raving Twat" or something recursive like "SMART Means Accuracy Replaced by Triviality" or anything, anything, anything to justify blocking an image of a small car used to drag relief pitchers to the mound.

I've been thinking about the logic, I have, trying to figure it out. Did you block Google Image Search because there are the occasional titties? Did you block certain image searches, but no, because my search had nothing that I could fathom as pornographic- unless someone used the bullpen car in a fornicatory act, but then the amazing image that just flashed in my mind would be of such cultural significance and beauty that it would be seen by all, they'd teach it in classrooms, memorialize it in song, sermonize about it from the pulpit, calling for more good men like That Old Southpaw, you son of a bitch. The wild humping passions in that cramped orb, probably involving some mascot or another, anyway, which only makes my point clearer.

I haven't thought about this until now, but could it be the bullpen cars that you have a problem with? Perhaps you do, perhaps you're one of those who fought its extinction, who longs for its return, the very sight of them needling you with their absence. Maybe it slowly drove you mad, and the only cure for the shrieking pain that circled your brain was spending your work hours looking at long lists of photographs and link sets devoted to those decadent yet tiny autos of the late 1970's. You were told, again and again, "Stop, stop, stop or you'll lose your job! Your spouse! Your children! They sit, long hours outside your bedroom and weep, pleading, 'Let us in, let us in, we love you, if only, God Almighty, if only you would let us in'" while you sat, quivering in your swivel chair, their only sign of your continued life the flicker of your laptop under the door, and they could tell by the rush of blacks and oranges, stripes and the stench of curse-breaking that you were getting into the American League East, your house, your life, your very life was jeopardized by these ridiculous contraptions when you started to spend days without food, the problem of their disappearance so maddening, the meaning so oblique, that donut-mobile, contemptible to the logic of human progress around which you have organized your everything...

And so you decided to save us, the innocents, from that same fate, the one that nearly destroyed you. If this is the case, I can only thank you, and apologize.

Grza Shitizen

anonymous at requests access to the following Web site:

Reason the site is blocked:

Global Block List

This request was submitted on August 28,:16 PM.

It is frustrating to have the images blocked, but that's part of our filtering design and is required for our federal funding to continue. If you are 17 or older, you can request to have the filter settings disabled for your session. Just ask one of the library staff when you come in to use the computer. If you are younger than 17, then I would suggest a regular Google or other search engine search to find websites that aren't targeted as "image" sites.

Sharon Kinsmith
Manager, Information Technology Operations
Minneapolis Public Library
300 Nicollet Mall
Minneapolis, MN 55401

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