But Aaron Never Answers

7:16 PM me: You there, dude?
7:17 PM Eh?
7:18 PM No, sir.
You are NOT there.
7:19 PM You are elsewhere.
I am right here.
Notice my muted attempts at communication flashing across your open gmail tab!
See me.
7:21 PM Bah bah bah
har har har
I learned about something very cool.
High Amplitude Sucking.
7:23 PM I wonder if you can do a three-way conversation on gmail's IM feature.
Probably not.
Not that it matters.
I'm not even having a two-way conversation right now.
This is me.
Into Space.
Infinitely boring.
And beyond.
I bought a present for Zakk.
Choose your own adventure.
About a martial artist who is forced to kick some zombie-ass to rescue a captive king.

7 minutes
7:31 PM me: I'm about to write a shitizen choose your own adventure.
7:33 PM Like..."It's Friday night and you have no plans. You've been too busy to really see your friends, and you think it might be nice to go out for a while. Kick it with someone.
The problem is that nobody is really doing anything.
And nobody is doing anything together.
You call around and come up with three options.
7:34 PM Eric is going to another art party, and you are welcome to join him, but these things are often uneventful and you won't know anyone except Eric, and possibly two other people.
7:36 PM You can head out to Roseville and hang out with Tiffany, Dan, and Coltan. He goes to bed around nine, and after he sleeps, you can be certain there will be some good times around the kitchen table.
7:37 PM You can go with Tina to some presentation of the poem "Howl" in 120 languages, to commemorate the 50th anniversary of its publication. It will be several hours of hearing the same poem, but she promises it will be a different experience every time.
7:38 PM If you want to go to the rad art party with Eric, turn to page 7.
If you decide to chill with the family in the 'burbs, turn to page 14.
7:39 PM If you want to endure the greatness of Howl with Tina, turn to page 24.
Something like that.
7:40 PM Of course it will have to be understood that if you encounter your own name in one of the texts, you'll have to put someone else in that place.
7:41 PM Unless you want to express some psychological trauma by interacting with yourself out loud.
Might be cool.
Or it could be a "who do you really like best" test.
7:42 PM The person you select most often to take your place in the text is probably your favorite.
A little unfair for Dan and Tiffany.
They like one another the most, but they will often be together in the text.
But so will Grant and I.
7:43 PM Not that we like each other better.
We like all people better and equal.
7:44 PM What do you think about the epic adventure I've proposed?
You think nothing about it because I have been typing to myself for, maybe....half an hour.
Well. Not to myself.
I've been typing to YOU.
7:45 PM You just are not there.
It seems like I'm talking to myself.
But it's more like I'm talking to God.
Or at least a Christian.
A Christian in space.
7:46 PM I bet he'd let you breathe out there too.
He lets you move mountains.
He'll let you breathe in space and receive distant chat from Earth.
Ask him.
7:47 PM I dare you.
Or I will.
But it seems cruel to ask something like that on your behalf when I don't even know if you like the idea.
What if he says yes?
7:49 PM You'll be hiking in one Carolina or another and suddenly a vortex reaches down, rips you from the mountain you're scaling, and BAM!
You're nothing but a distant satellite of the Earth, floating around, nothing to do except occasionally receive some chat from me.
7:50 PM Being a Christian in space answering chat should be a result on one of those Occupation Interest tests.
I'd dig a job like that.
7:51 PM No, I'd be a floater. I'd float a job like that.
But I don't have the basic qualification.
It is a CHRISTIAN in space, and I bet, even if I sometimes say, "Jesus is cool" that they won't consider my application.
7:52 PM They'll want to see strong church attendance.
I'll just have to write it in the book then.
In a choose your own adventure you can be a martial artist
a wizard
an elven archer
7:53 PM you can be anything there, man.
Even a Christian answering chat from space.
Maybe ESPECIALLY that.
When it's placed next to all those other things, it doesn't sound so cool.
I mean...elven archer or Christian in space?
7:54 PM Who wouldn't be the elf?
And so close to Christmas too.
Elves are in higher demand during the season than Christians are.
7:55 PM I mean, everyone is a Christian for Christmas, but who the fuck is an elf?
Some Christian in a stupid cap in the mall, that's who.
7:56 PM And it's a suburb.
And there are white kids crawling all over the floor.
Just to reach...the center of attention.
7:57 PM That's right. You're just the lame subordinate to a fat alcoholic who found seasonal employment because he happens to be "naturally bearded."
I'd be a REAL elf.
7:59 PM I'd step over all those white, crawling obstruction, squashing their gelatinous globules of venom all over the tile until I got straight to the fatty himself. Then I'd knock my bow and...
You know the rest.
If you don't, turn to page 63.
8:00 PM Well, Aaron, it has been fantastic chatting with you, but I have a bus to catch.
8:01 PM See you tomorrow!


madam tyrant said...

page 14! We'll at least feed you. Um yeah, so we might be bored again tomorrow so, y'all should come eat food and play cards or something yes?

TheGrza said...

You honkies are coming to see Howl. Then we'll eat your food. And cards. Or waits. Why don't we mine the shitizen brain pan and have a contest. Best non-Kings activity for tomorrow night. Winner gets to not play kings.

madam tyrant said...

Yeah, Dan's all about page 24 so I'm gonna watch a creepy movie until you're done and then we can not play kings together maybe. How about a nice board game? Drunken scrabble perhaps? Throw in a little chips and salsa and it's a regular party in the burbs eh? It's on.

ETC said...

If you want your retinas irreparably damaged, and your ears filled with sonic flesh wounds (and assorted sprinkles), I would highly recommend going to page 7.

Animation screenings
Noise and Church all in one fell swoop...

...and then your shot with poison dart and fall to the floor -- dead (painfully).



dent burntrap said...

oh i answered
do not deny that i answered
frankly your accusations hurt. yes it did take 8 hours to respond but do you understand the thought and meditation that went into this response? i do not take my responses lightly. and when they are treated lightly (or even ignored in this case) it hurts.
so I will say it again and maybe just maybe this time you'll be able to give truth the respect it deserves.


the back cover comments for me.