A Fat Head Christmas Story

And although Fat Head was lovely, her parents couldn't see it. Instead of loving Fat Head for her loveliness, they locked her in a cold gray room with one tiny window that framed a lovely view...

In fact, Fat Head's parents were so terrified by her loveliness that they made her pull her food up through that tiny window with a long rope.

And Fat Head always, always, always ate all alone.

There was rarely a girl in all the world as entirely lonely as lovely little Fat Head. Sometimes she could hear her parents somewhere below her, laughing and having fun.

It all made Fat Head very sad.

A long time ago, years ago, this was the beginning of a Christmas story. In the end, to conclude Fat Head's suffering, Santa Clause was going to do one of two things:
1) Santa would rescue her in a sleigh and once safely in the North Pole, Santa would reveal that he was not only Father Christmas, but also Father Fat Head. He would do so by pulling off a mask and revealing that he, too, had a head that any archaeologist would get excited about. This is the uplifting ending, without the flashback.
2) The Flashback. Santa would be seen making love to a corpse, and it would be explained that the terrible product of Santa's magic and a lovely dead woman was...yes, you've guessed it. Fat Head. And Santa was so ashamed for breaking his vow of chastity that he put the infant Fat Head in a stocking, condemning her to a life in the room with a tiny window. But Santa is a nice guy, you know, and the guilt gnawed at him until he was compelled to fetch her and live with the product of his deepest perversions. Santa would, in either version, still be Father Fat Head, but in the first, you could decide exactly what that meant.

I also thought of making both versions, one for the family, and one for the everyone else.

Merry Christmas.


Anna Nym said...

Blogger made this nearly impossible to post. First was the HTML errors which had nothing to do with what I posted at all, then came the inability to cut and paste pictures that exist within the composing window, due the blogger's need to post images in a random and erratic order, afterwards the problem of rearranging said images and still being able to add text after the shift, and finally, the slowest publish ever.

In total, it took me several hours to post it.

I don't like it that much. It turned out to be a tremendous waste of my time and energy, but it was a motherfucking war, and I had to win it.

Fuck Blogger. Really, how difficult is it to make images appear in the order by which they were posted?

ETC said...

You shall soon be enlightened.