Shitizen Scholarship

This fall, The Shitizens will be giving away over one hundred different scholarship to students of different races. Do you qualify? Probably. But here's a way to check. Below is an example question, with a five-hundred word answer filled in. Could you have written something so cool? Probably. Then you qualify! If you’re confused, please put your answer in the comments and some shitizen or other will grade it. If you know, just by looking, that you’re out of your league, that the water is over your head, that you are dumb dumb dummy-dumbdumb, we’re sorry. Maybe in the future, our question writer will give you something less tedious, or our question answerer won't be so inspired. Try again next year!

What would you do if you were free from fear?

:::This essay will be answered in two ways. First, the answer that I assume you want. I could tell by the way you phrased things that you like the sea, so I’ve done up a little something that I think is going to tickle your fancy! Then the real answer!  I hope honesty counts! By the way, these words are not going to count toward my five-hundred, just so you know. Start counting words after this paragraph, starting now!!!:::

If I wasn’t afraid, I’d run away and become a sailor. It’s a hard life, confined and dangerous, it’s the kind of life mothers warn their children against, but it’s also free and open and the sea stands before you so wide that the biggest waves aren’t even ripples and the smallest ship doesn’t mind because we’re all tiny out there. While I’m seafaring, I’ll hold onto the rigging, way too high, and I’ll look for great whales when I’m supposed to be carrying cargo. I'll hole up below decks and giddily try to remember which is port and which is starboard, and I’ll pester the old Captain, not cartoonish and peg-legged, but all the same, gruff and bearded, wearing overalls and a knit cap, surly toward the slightest mistake, but truly a surrogate father to all these boys, I’d pester him, for stories, stories about the sea that they don’t tell anymore.

And then I’d remember that there’s a world on the other side of those seas, and after working all days and night, I could landfall on some tropical Southeast Asian island, or on a beach in the Cote D'Ivore and we'd all stride onto land because we'd earned it, not with money or credit, not in cushioned seats, but by blood and exertion, we had earned our keep on board a floating slum! We would have been sailors! That’s what I would do, if I wasn’t afraid.

The Answer I wanted to give:
I would kill someone. I would fuck someone's shit right up. I've never done it, I don't know what it would do to me, but it's got to happen sometime and I'd like to do it when I've got no fear, when I'm free to be merciless and cruel, to cut a homeless throat with only a dime's worth of conscience (and maybe I'd fish that out of his pockets too- He's not going to be needing much now...speaking of, those are beautiful shoes, Italian leather, where the fuck did this homeless piece of shit get Italian leather! Even in my fearless, conscienceless rage, my moment of freedom from values and control, I can still feel a sense of moral vindication! YES!).

I would drag him through the streets, by his bare feet, punching his shins into pulpy ropes. This! I shout, in my fear--free moment, this is my prey! You all stay back, you Mother-Fuckers! I would probably be arrested, for murder, but I wouldn't care! I don't give a shit! I'd yell, I'd yell "I don't give two sweaty teenage pussies because I’m fearless and free!"Punch punch punch body slam, I’d do that too, to some flat-faced square-head police copper, and if I was still fearless when I got in from of the judge, I might piss on his carpet or scream at him I want some bails! BAIL BAIL BAIL, Motherfucker, BAIL! BAIL, MOTHERFUCKER, BAIL, BAIL, MOTHERFUCKER, BAIL!


FYBS said...

how much is the scholarshit?

$$$$ said...

Dollars, probably. Full American Dollars.

Needy said...

Cheap bitches

Hollingsworth J. McTubbins said...

Fuck money. Can I win luck? That's what I could really use right now is some soft, soggy, cushy-ass luck. Unless I'm getting lucky this cassh you're offering is just chump change.

Forget integrity. I want Snake Eyes or Yahtzee or something.

The Grza said...

What sort of magical scholarship do you think this is? Luck. Luck? Luck.

I can't believe this shit.

ETC said...

I aint Skerd

FYBS said...

just sakred.

she faked it said...

so naked