The Selected Philogelos with Better Endings

#51A. An intellectual caught sight of a deep well on his country-estate, and asked if the water was any good. The farmhands assured him that it was good, and that his own parents used to drink from that well. The intellectual expressed his amazement: "How long were their necks, if they could drink from something so deep! They were humans!  Their necks were probably very small!"

#64. An intellectual bought a pair of pants. But he could hardly put them on because they were too tight. So he got rid of the hair around his legs and groin. What?  This makes little sense!

#70. An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had 'departed', the intellectual replied: "When he arrives back, will you tell him that I stopped by?"
"No, he is dead" said the wife, "and your mind makes you insensitive!"
"I am so sorry. I was mistaken," the intellectual replied, "please accept my condolences."

#116. A man from Thrace who was a eunuch had the misfortune to develop a hernia, which is a fucking gross image to think upon.

#117. Another man from Thrace was sharing a mattress with a man who suffered from another hernia, because they are constant sources of amusement. In the night, the non-herniated man got up to relieve himself. When he returned, he accidentally (since it was still dark) stepped right on the spot of man's hernia. When the man screamed in pain, the Thracian asked: "Why weren't you lying down heads-up?" by which he was punning about dicks.

#201. A man, just back from a trip abroad, went to an incompetent fortune-teller. He asked about his family, and the fortune-teller replied: "Everyone is fine, especially your father." When the man objected that his father had been dead for ten years, the reply came: "You have no clue who your real father is."

#233. Someone insulted a jokester: "I had your wife, without paying a dime." He replied: "It's my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?'" His wife was appalled by this behavior and was therefore able to get out of trouble for screwing people without dimes by turning the argument around and making it about him in a skillful well-known technique of the woman.

#246. A misogynist stood in the marketplace and announced: "I'm putting my wife up for sale, tax-free!" When people asked him why, he said: "So the authorities will impound her!"
The authorities were not amused.  "Sir, we understand that you have merchandise that is illegally for sale.  We understand the point you are trying to make, but unfortunately there are greater penalties for failure to pay taxes. We suggest that you find a less fraught way of making your point, because we are tax assessors and have many urgent matters to take care of."

#250. A young man was asked whether he took orders from his wife or if she obeyed his every command. He boasted: "My wife is so afraid of me that if I so much as yawn she shits. But you know how contagious yawning is, and how hard it is to not yawn when you are worried about yawning!  Now my house is now a terrible mess, and I am without friends. Please, please, you must help me."

#262. A jokester went abroad; there, he developed a hernia which now seems like a distressingly common problem. Coming home, he was asked if he had brought a present back. "Nothing for you - just a headrest for my thighs."  His friends looked at him and then looked a second time out of befuddlement and then barfed everywhere.

1 comment:

Hollingsworth J. McTubbins said...

Oh Grant, you're my gyro.