11.3.06

King Dick

Attn: Nate, Grant, Eric, Aaron, and Cole
It has come to my attention that I am a colossal prick. My demands and expectations were selfish and uncalled for. However, i would now like to formally ask you all to be ushers at my wedding. So, with that said, I hope you all will accept my apology and not disown me, because without ushers it will be utter chaos. You're role in this affair is of the utmost importance and I hope you do not accept my invitation without thorough consideration as to what kind of man you really are. Look deep into the darkest part of your heart and ask yourself this question, is he worth it? You're answer will undoubtedly be, no not really.

-dan

15 comments:

TheGrza said...

I'll Scream Aaaaargh! motherfucker just like Dr. Dean, Washington, Oregon, I just creamed my jeans...

Jeans, Jeans, Jeans.

Seriously though, Fuck that shit, that Usher bullshit, you think Grza gon' out like, "Here massa, here's your fucking seat, while I stand on my motherfucking blistered-ass feet lacking ankle-support?" How about, "Fuck you, white man, your motherfucking ass can try to remember what side is which, oh, no, is that the right one? Or are you going to look like the stupid fucking dolt that should have followed his shame to an early grave, staring meekly across the aisle at the rest of your family who gon' hate your fucktarded ass. Usher...Usher, man, fuck that shit, I want something big, I want the motherfucker who starts the shit off with a few jokes and the introduction of the Pastor or priest or shaman or whatever the fuck you heathens got growing. I even got an intro and shit for yous, check this fucking shit...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Children of All Ages, Start your motherfucking hands a-smacking because we about to have a Wedding! I mean it, I can't hear no screaming, they about to hit this shit harder than a motherfucking pussy and you're being polite; Too fucking late, folks, it's fucking on, here they come, first, your Sub/Dom Papa Smurf rocking the scarhawk, Bitches stop your flocking, he's taken, it's Dr. Dan the Motherfucking Bondage Man! And now, the next generation of shitizen, that's right you old fucking wastoids, thats the C-Monster, no, not that c-monster, It's Colt-Masta-Killah, the Afro-American Gangster of Mysteriois Origin, You keep on flashin' that crip shit, kidd-o, we gettin' Beasels tonight, bro, and hold up, Ladies and Gentleman, get the fuck off your asses 'fore I cut your motherfucking throats and get loud for Mrs. T, Rocky III, Mama Bear herself, The Tiff-A- NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! VANLAEGER REPRESENT MOTHERFUCKER, REPRESENT!" See, I got that shit DOWN! I bet no wedding you ever been to have a hype man that motherfucking hot.

Man, I can't take that shit, I'm not in charge and I just gotta bow my fucking face and get on with it, accept what my ass gets. I'll be an usher, fuck yeah, and I'll be the best fucking usher in that shit, you see fucking Eric and Cole and Nate all trying to keep up with me, fuck that, I fill pews with my dick, I give no shits to those motherfuckers and their inferior motions. Wedding Day come and that shit's going down motherfuckers, I'm calling you cunts out, we're gon' roll like Shitizen Shogun, Fuck that world, homeys, we gon' let 'em die, "Kill White Women," scream the Revolutionary, Rape ain't the insurrection, Forcible Erections make for civil unrest, leave the insurrection to incest, This ballers bollocks a cricket test of big breasts, We fresh outta ass sex, Cuz I'm a syntax Sinbad with tic-tac armrests, Breath mints from horse hoofs and mind fucks for five cents...

I'm out.

TheGrza said...

Sorry for the profanity, man, I don't know. I got a new project you're about to get hip to, you'll see the swill my mind's been germinating in. Love you, Pretty Birds.

Sexual Plato.

dent burntrap said...

you got my call last night.
so you know where i stand.
I'll leave it at that and so should you.

Dr. Dan (The bondage man) said...

Oh my god grant what kind of drugs do they have you on out there in washington? You just come on home and we'll fix you right up good as new. I'm just kidding. Dude that was funny as hell, I totally decided we need a hype man. Well not at the ceremony but if you see the reception lacking a certain vibe, I mean, well, I don't know, maybe that's not such a good idea. Anyway you guys are gonna be sooooo cute in your tuxes ohmygod! Ha Ha! Dan picked them out so thats why they're so gay with all the flowery crap, just don't blame me. Ok bye

madam tyrant said...

You wiggling cunts. I haven't heard such namby pamby bullshit since I was the director of the Canandian Olympic ballet program. Honestly, for a bunch of hard nosed motherfuckers you sure get your panties in wad over some gay wedding shit. Best of luck you awful fuckholes.

ETC said...

to Madam Tyrant...

Interesting method of critique... a mysterious pseudonym... hiding your true identity, allowing you to sling your verbal mud-pies w/ no retaliation. This may be considered a clever route by some, in terms of covering your own tracks, but in light of what the shitizens truly are... I only feel it's necessary to own up to your own bullshit accusations.

Frankly "weddings" in this case are not gay. I feel that this is not only a particularly uncreative insult, I also feel that it is a little narrow minded. Also, truly consider this situation... Two shitizens joining in wedlock is a momentous occasion... not only will it be bringing the most awesome forces of our known world -- who have been scattered about our magnificent country -- together into one small room, it will also mark the beginning of a new era. A new dawn of human/subhuman kind. The legal joining of 2 shitizens! Its prophecized in Revelations! This is the white calf, the beast with 10 heads -- this is the end times. Mamsy pamsy that!!! We sure as fuck better be lookin' good for this. We better be prepared... matching shoes, hype man/orator, moral support groups, catering, virgin sacrifice, etc... This takes planning, not negative criticism. Nay sayers shall burn in the acid they spew from there own horrendous mouths.

So, M. Tyrant... I have an idea or two who you are... potty mouthed, Canadian bashing, and an undeniable tendency to reference women's undergarments... Don't think for an instant that you'll get away with petty insults and accusations. This shits for real you know. We're haven't been dubbed one of America's most underrated terrorist groups for nothin'.

Please, try and remember the words of A-Minor in cases like this, "Two nuthin's is nuthin."

Said like prophet.

madam tyrant said...

listen here fuckwad, you don't get to point the fingers around here. if two gay people want to get married then I don't see why you shouldn't get in their way. For a man of the good book you sure seem to do a bit of your own interpretations. "god hates fags and dykes" Daniel 13:4. How dare you, you don't even know me. I'm just some poor sap who ran into your stupid self-indulgent mutterings while i was trolling for internet pussy but you have just started some shit that you are not prepared to deal with. I know all about you and your fucking uptown crowd. Around here we have a word for people like you and it that word is sinner. I hope that you and your commrades suffer the pain and torture of a thousand eternities in hell, if not more. I will keep you safe in my prayers while watching you through my kitchen window.

ETC said...

Thats actually kind of creepy. Do you know who lives next to me? Cause that actually makes what you said a lot funnier. If you know, that is... but if you don' and/or didn't then that was a horrifically beautiful coincidence in light of what you were ranting about prior.

....

anyway

...

Why are you so angry.
its not healthy, you know.

...

remember the A - Minor quote... that was meant to be, like a buffer or something... you know... like, chillin the mood down abit... makin things nice and cozy, cozy like blankets and apple cider.

dent burntrap said...

madam tyrant-
if you are going to blaspheme someones faith you could at least do it with some style
for starters try picking a chapter in the bible that actually exists....now take this for example

"Its prophecized in Revelations! This is the white calf, the beast with 10 heads -- this is the end times."

though this is somwhat false theology this is good
because it is kept ambiguous. note that he does not state rev 12:20 or worse yet rev 64:75
he just keeps it at revelations. the one problem with that is the additional s but otherwise it was beautifully executed.

now let's look at your poor example of wit via scripture.

"god hates fags and dykes" Daniel 13:4.

well at least daniel does in fact exist. you got that part down. but the rest of it? abhorrent.
the context is way off (Daniel is a book of prophecy)
Daniel 13? uh oh non existent
god hates fags and dykes? not even remotely funny
and don't say you weren't trying to be funny because if you were trying to be serious you would have tried to find actual scripture to back up you asinine comment.
If you are going to use scripture to mock people great
using it to support heretical ideals? awesome
but using it to make a fool of yourself?
i beg of you to stop until you can get it right
proverbs 17:28 read it

or find someone to read it to you
i will cut you some slack on account of your illiteracy.
It is a serious problem but i'll tell you that there are many people out there that are willing to help.
Ask around... I would say you might even try asking one of us. as far as i know we, the shitizens, are all at least functionally literate and we could at least give you a few pointers. think about it.

madam tyrant said...

OK guys sorry to burst your bubble but dan decided that i needed a screen name because i kept writing under his and it was too confusing for him or something. So he came up with madam tyrant (i can't imagine why?) So then he started writing under my screen name trying to be funny, but, like all of dan's ideas, it just seemed to backfire horribly. I added the part about the kitchen window cause I thought it would be creepy so that worked out but all the rest was dan. haha well he's not allowed to do that anymore so I am reclaiming my place as madam tyrant.

ETC said...

Mistress of Tyranny,

did you start a blogger account for that comment?

madam tyrant said...

I have no idea dan did it and told me that t-bone was already taken and that i was now the madam

ETC said...

So, Tiffany, if that is your real name.
Dan makes for a really disturbing girl.

but seriously, the people that live next to me...
its a home for boys who come out of the closet.... who's parents disowned them...
and its ran by these two guys...
They all go on walks do yardwork and stuff.

Due to a portion in prior conversation,
I imagined them looking out their windows and praying for me... Thats pretty amazing.

Elevenhippos said...

The funny thing is how quickly everyone came down upon the off color comments when they thought it was an outsider. Are the shitizens the only people allowed to be outragous without censorship, Burntrap's critque of accruacy not included. I think it is about time for all you shitizens to look at what you have become. Are you merely citizens looking to uphold you societal mores or are you continuing to bring devastation upon tradition and backwardness?

ETC said...

I eat eleven hippos like you for breakfast. Blam!