1.1.07

I Can Think Of The Longest Thing

There are plenty of long things you can think of, but if I had some spare thousands, I'd bet that you didn't think of the longest thing. The earth, you probably said, or from the sun to Pluto, that's a long bit. No, there are lots of long things, but unlike most people, I can think of the longest. Galaxies are long, and that's a bit closer, for those of you who thought that, but in comparison? Think about the universe. The universe is the longest thing, and I thought of it. I've heard the critics who claim that this isn't some great feat because it's everything, so the longest thing I can think of is the longest thing there is. I don't think I should be penalized because I thought of the absolute longest thing there can be, that's the whole point of thinking of the longest thing.

There are a couple of people who have told me that they thought of the universe as the longest thing too. They always tell me after I told them that I thought of the universe first, and they never have any proof, but I still have a trick up my sleeve. I'm not actually thinking about the universe. I just said that so people would say that they were thinking about the universe as the longest thing and challenge my powers, but then I could go home and think privately about the longest thing and they'd sit smugly to themselves being totally wrong. I smash their smugness today, because after years of holding it inside, I'm ready to retire on top and give my great secret to the world; the longest thing that I can think of, also known as the longest thing there is.

An infinitely long version of our universe.

I can already hear the naysayers and inevitably over the next several days I'll have to endure their stupid voices piping up to say that I've just thought of infinity and then claimed it the longest thing ever, which is true, that is what I did and I'm still proud. Six months ago they were saying that the Universe was the longest thing ever and whining that I'd just said everything was bigger than not everything, which it isn't, because my imagined universe is technically not everything because it's not real, but it's still the longest thing about. If they thought it was so easy just to think about the longest thing ever, why didn't they? I thought of the longest thing that there is before it was a fad, and like every great thinker I moved further, and thought of the longest thing that there could be. That's my innovation and why I am properly lauded as the man who thought of the longest thing.

1 comment:

ETC said...

Long is to infinity as "nice guy" is to Jesus.