This Is Me Puking, A Lot.

Set in a dystopian future of 1997, the world is embroiled in World War III. In a radical attempt to control crime, and confine victims of mental illness, the U.S. government totally constructs a super massive wall around the Twin Cities. Once evacuated of citizens, Minneapolis becomes a maximum security prison. Within the confines of the city walls, prisoners are left to their own devices. Once an inmate enters, the sentence is for life — as long as they can survive in the barbaric society that inmates have created.
Super Air Force One 2 (The Return) crashes in Minneapolis, after a failed hijacking attempt. The President of the United States (Tina Hyland) exits the plane via an "escape pod," moments before the crash, but when prison authorities arrive, the pod is empty and the President is missing... along with a kilo of emergency mutli-vitamins.
From a totally awesome bunker in Roseville MN, Police Commissioner Justice Rare (Damn VanLager) oversees daily prison operation. Confronted with the President's crazy disappearance, he like, needs a suitable candidate for a rescue attempt — like, someone trained in combat, but like, someone who won't be missed. At Stillwater, which is now a totally weak prison in comparison, Rare intercepts a new arrival — the eye-patch-wearing "Dragon" Dude, a decorated Shpeshal Forces combat pilot. Rare offers him a one-sided die... deal... a 1sided deal — rescue the President within 24 hours, before the "Totally Secret Super Suprise Birthday Party for his 13 year old son" commences, and he's a free man. At the very least, retrieve an audio cassette tape (sweet) with his favorite "Mega Bass Jamz". Otherwise two tiny nuclear explosive devices, administered by the prison's medical unit, will slightly rupture Dragon's arteries and everything else ever... and he'll bleed to death... a lot.
Dude is given a light-glider, which is awesome and super strong, and he lands atop the Foshay Tower (oddly enough). During his quest, Dude meets several bizarre adversaries: a swarm of Seward-dwelling cannibals; a street gang that turns "The Brutal Gauntlet" into a brutal gauntlet; and the "Loft Dwellers", whose leader, the SuperRadBadGuy (Pessi-Mystic-Knuckles), lays down the terms for the President's release — amnesty for millions of inmates.
Dude is determined to carry out the mission alone, but a growing number of hangers-on accompany him, hoping that Dragon will take them when he rescues the President. For better or worse, the rag-tag misfits become his "strizike force": Cabbie (Colt Masta Kill), the last MPLS taxi driver; "SmartGuy" and GirlFriend, who make the MPLS Public Library their personal Matress Fort. SmartGuy has some prestige and privilege in the city — his background in science, alchemy, algebra 2, and engineering provides the SRBG with eclecticity and really kewl fuel. Of particular interest is SmartGuy's map of the Franklin/Mississippi Bridge, detailing the placement of booby-traps, and a safety-path for prison officials.
For his efforts, Dragon Dude is pursued by the cannibalistic night-dwellers, and receives second-billing in a rad-itorial battle in the Walker Sculpture Garden. As the SRBG's hostage, The President endures numerous humiliations, including the loss of a finger. Tina Hyland is frustratingly convincing in his portrayal, from her stammering fear of the SuperRadBadGuy to her smug indifference toward Dragon Dude's fallen comrades.
Escape From Minneapolis doesn't have time to explore the various subcultures within the Minneapolis prison. Dragon Dude must move from hood to hood, scene to scene, to rescue the president within his 24-hour deadline... Dead... Line. It almost makes the viewer wish that Justice had given him 48-hours. Dead... Justice.
But then, Dragon isn't interested in the various subcultures — for that matter, he doesn't really care about the President or anyone else or other things. His only concern, initially, and first off, is the reprieve that good ole Justice Rare dangles before him, tantalizingly out of reach beyond the containment wall of Minneapolis. It's only after completing his mission that Dragon shows any remorse for his allies, when he spitefully sabotages the President's MixTape and swallows the atomic bombs in his neck, just for fun. Then, he turns his blind-eye on Rare's offer to form a partnership... For real. Without even caring.
Dragon has returned from the savage land of Minneapolis, but he can't escape his disillusionment toward authority... and bad songs with 2Much Bass... or not enough?


Dickhole Ritchie said...


Anna Nym said...

I'd like to thank the Academy for this prestigious recognition. It is a great honor to be standing among so many tremendously talented individuals, and to know that you respect me. As most of you know, I actually sacrificed my finger for this role, which, as far as I know, is a landmark in method acting, and I know that you appreciate my commitment, and my loss of a digit in the name of memorable cinema moments. Nonetheless, I could not be standing here today without the love and support of my family, my boyfriend, my friends, and my God.

Again, I thank you.