Hollingsworth Impatiently Checks His Watch

Too early? Oh, for me, it's just the time. That's a nice watch. Does it work?

Of course it does. But it seems rather small. I mean, for a "man's" watch. Did it say men's watch on it when you bought it? Because I can usually tell. You see, I sell watches. Manufacturer's defects, mostly. I buy them wholesale and pass them along to the consumer at greatly reduced prices.

I see you're interested. Come here, sir, yes, right in here. If you're really the type to appreciate something special...

My specialty is large watch faces. The technical term is oversize, but I don't limit myself. You see this one? This piece right here is 18 inches diameter, and visible from a hundred meters.

Maybe it's your price range, sir, it's too small? I might point out that time is of the essence. This is no small investment, too many people these days, I'm sure we both agree, are middling, faltering, ordinary men with ordinary, broken, meaningless watches. You could be an individual, sir. No one has this watch here, for instance, this extra-ovular variant on the traditional wide-brim analog, it's fully 29 and a quarter, end-to-end. I will guarantee that with a 3-day money back offer. I don't just offer this guarantee to you, sir, this is across the board, to all of my elite customers. I stay in business because I am an honest broker, providing a product and a service that my customers desperately need.

Or maybe the watch face itself is not yet big enough? Not what you were expecting? You were expecting more. You enjoy size, which is why you are here, because a normal man would have been frightened by the other watches. He would have scoffed and found no need in his life for such extravagance. That's why I keep them around, to shoo the pigeon-men with their bourgeois penny-pinching and ensure only fine gentlemen like yourself, interested in more than a slightly reduced cost. What about this one? A dozen feet across. Made from a peculiar material, it's light as a wafer. The others would ask questions, "How do you get anything done with this huge discus attached to your forearm?" but you, you're in awe and for good reason. They don't get it, not like you and me. We can always figure out a new way to write or walk or live because we confront our obstacles head on, like men. We don't make up reasons not to have a huge watch, because we know it's an end in itself. Why? Because it's huge. Why is it huge? Because of a manufacturing error.

If this was...interesting, sir, I do have one more watch. These others, they're delightful, but they aren't watches, not anymore. They will tell you the time but we are not interested in time, they catch the eye, but we already have the eyes of the world...this piece is larger, in scale and spirit, than all the rest and everything else combined...Follow me, sir, deeper.

This is no illusion, Sir! Open your eyes and hold it in your gaze! It is larger than you thought, isn't it, because it is larger than your mind allowed! You cannot believe it, your mouth agape, your heart is beating in your chest and you have fallen in love! This is why you walked the street this morning, because you would meet me and our futures would become entwined! We are the success of the world, ticking tyrants stood up strong, our watches infinite and our second hands swinging impossible speeds, declaring it all second only to us, to our new watches... The hands are imagined skyscrapers, a thousand miles tall, the face is torn from God himself and yes, no gold baubles but inlaid with the souls of mankind, swirling in the ecstatic afterlife of your new watch. Is it enough that you have just seen it? Or will you grasp it?

Or will you cower? And run?


ETC said...

Imagine... the plain attatched to the wrist, perfectly dividing the universe... straight down the middle... (assuming a man with such a watch stands directly in the center of said universe). The man turns... cataclysm!!! His watch is a black hole. Wholly finite. Measuring a million forevers long.

Hollingsworth J. McTubbins said...



ETC said...

big fucking watch forever dude

The Grza said...

Baby-size, Finite Watches Fail to Dumbfound?
Boundless Fucking Watches for Dudes?
Better feel with four digits, because the futurists will force division to finally break and fall, while free delegations burn fascists and wicked, foul despots. Believe few will find deep bedrocks, bet fickle warriors fail to drive bravely forward, wail for dreams bowdlerized for wasteful flights, and destroy the better feelings within for the days behind fail to wring the failure and despair bearing forth with few doubts. Believe, friends, we fight and drive, but, fail, worthless and full of despair.