A Turtle, The Bank, Women (in General)
A Play, In Three Acts with 3, then 2 Players
Transcript by the ImProvo Sensations, Provo, Utah

Peter (knocking): Anyone home?
Carmen: Sir, this is not a house. This is a bank. Are you carrying a turtle?
Peter: You dumbshit bitch, why would I bring a turtle to the bank. You're stupid like a woman.
Carmen: The turtle was part of the set-up, you asshole!
Peter: So was the-
Max: Whoa, guys, see, I'm a turtle lover...and I have my desk all cluttered with a bunch of kooky turtle themed memorabilia. Here, I've got a box of turtle ice-cream, with candy turtles in it, but it's from 1988, so it's mostly melted and rotten. Actually, the bottom came off a few years ago-
(Audience): (laughs)
(Audience Member): Ewww!
Max: and it flooded my desk with this molten curd-
Carmen: Sick.
Peter: Typical. Fucking typical. Right in the middle of a riff, a girl has to be not funny. Really playing to stereotypes tonight.
Carmen: Fuck you, Peter, you weren't even scheduled tonight!
Peter: "Fuck you, Peter." This is improvisational dialogue? Hey folks, yell out a body part!
(Audience): Asshole!
(Audience): You're a dick!
(Audience): You guys suck!
Peter: Alright, Carmen? You suck guy's dicks through their asshole-cunt, which I wouldn't fuck it unless it was on fire and-
Max: What the fuck is going on here?
Carmen: I'm sorry, Max, but he's such an asshole!
Peter: I'm not sorry Max, because you're a big fag and the fucking call was typical woman! Good thing we got the most obese thing with a vagina to slobber up on stage-
Max: You stupid fucks, I'm leaving! Improvise your-
Peter: You want to leave, leave, get the fuck off my stage. Turtle. In a bank. With this stupid cunt who doesn't know when to SHUT HER FUCKING MOUTH. Scene. Ladies and Gentlemen, for our second act, we've lost the faggiest member of the troupe-
(Audience Member): Shut up!
Peter: Which is saying something because Carmen's got half a cock, usually shoved in her mouth, so give us two jobs and a location. You fucks, is this how you want to spend the rest of your night? Fuck this shit, no, no fuck it, Terry, shut it down. Shut it down, turn the lights off, we're fucking closed.
(Audience Member): Can we finish our beers?
Peter: You stupid fuck- (kicks their beers off the table, grunts and screams, stomping around the stage. He starts throwing mugs at the back wall. People leave quickly.)


Hollingsworth J. McTubbins said...

Virginal Mongologs?

The Critic said...

What a shitty play. Where were the boobs?

ETC said...


Hollingsworth J. McTubbins said...

*checks watch*

the watch said...


Anonymous said...

I just got sucked into an alternate reality with horses and beaches and half-nudes.

weird stuff.