Humongous Buttfucker

In Which Our Hero Meets His Children and Explains to Them Many Things About His Dreams, His Absence, and His Father; and in Which He Commits, What in Today's World Would Be Considered Child Abuse but is Forgivable in the Context of Medieval Literature and the Prevailing Social Mores of the Times; and in Which He Again Leaves for the West Indies, Unawares that the Two Children He Just Assaulted Were Not His Own, but a Neighbor's.

My blood vessels are stretched full with cheap beer and regret that I wasn't there for you two when you were growing. We were separated too long my lovelies, you're right and I'm sorry for all of it, but from the beginning I told you that I'm no man of ordinary means, no pharmacist or stockboy or nothing like that, I'm the man that changes the world top to bottom.

No, you're right, I haven't changed a goddamn thing, you smartass prick...I hope your stupid lips get infected and never heal, that's what I hope, now quiet your mouth before I break it open again.

I never lied to you, don't say I did because I won't have it, not for a minute. I sent, from abroad and at a great cost, many items of clothing and education material for your youth. No, not all of it arrived in time to be of use to your preposterously speedy growth and consistent grade advancement, but I was the father I was trained to be. I never hit you did I? My father hit me, he hit me hard and often and... What? Oh. But a minute ago, that was the first time I ever hit you, yeah? Alright, agreed, out of the thousands of time in your life I could have laid hands upon you in violence I have refrained but once...Now listen, I worked hard to give you kids a better life, even if it meant you had to be scattered to the far winds of foster homes and orphanages.

You wanted something to complain about, now you've got it. Never underestimate how important molars are, boy, and don't test me again if you wish to keep any in your head. No boy of mine is too good for an orphanage, those people are saints. I always wished I could live in an orphanage and be raised with just the right amount of pathos to give me a leg up in show business, but that's not how it works, they don't tell you that until after, that's not how it works.

I know we've only just met and I'm your father but you've got to understand, I laid it all out in the first paragraph and probably even before and I've got a schooner to catch. I'll miss your sweet faces, lovelies, always remember that I love you.